Marriage

To the Contrary, Sex Ought to Be Egalitarian (1 Corinthians 7:3–4)

Kirk E. Miller

Warning: This article contains a passing reference to sexual assault.

“However we try, the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts. This is of course offensive to all egalitarians, and so our culture has rebelled against the concept of authority and submission in marriage. This means that we have sought to suppress the concepts of authority and submission as they relate to the marriage bed.”1

To the contrary, even those of us who are complementation and understand that gender differences are displayed throughout marriage, including the bedroom (e.g., the obvious anatomy differences involved in sexual intercourse), should nonetheless acknowledge elements of marriage that are very much egalitarian. Sex being one of them, as Paul himself explains:

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife” (1 Cor 7:3–4).

The very theologically conservative The Reformation Study Bible observes this about this passage,

“These are remarkable verses in that they reveal viewpoints that appear to be far ahead of their time: a healthy perception of the woman’s sexuality, and an understanding of the complete equality that exists between a man and a woman in the most intimate area of their relationship. The Scripture gives no support whatever to the notion that sexual relations are solely at the direction and for the enjoyment of the husband.”2

In other words, Paul’s instructions are radically egalitarian for its time, considering “It is not possible to find another reference in the literature of the ancient world which teaches that the husband surrenders his body exclusively to his wife on marriage.”3

I think as well of Ephesians 5:25–30 where the husband is to love his wife as his own body. He puts her needs first. Does this not apply to sex? Selfishness does not cease to be sinful just because it occurs in the bedroom. Or consider the Song of Solomon where the bride’s sexual anticipation and delight is highlighted, not just the man’s.

In other words, to be very blunt, Christian men should strive (and, where necessary, learn) to satisfy their wives sexually. This is not an imposed, foreign, “secular” concern, but a Christian one, considering God created marriage and the sex within it.

Complementarianism is self-consciously born out of a commitment to follow Scripture’s teachings, even in those places where it goes against the grain of cultural sensibilities like certain God-designed gender differences. The goal, as intended, is to conform ourselves to Scripture. So it would be quite ironic if, on account complementarian commitments to things like male headship, we ran roughshod of what Scripture clearly says in places like 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 by imposing ideas of “hierarchy” where they don’t exist.

Again, the goal is to follow Scripture where it leads—and no further, we might add!—not to apply some maximalist hermeneutic of headship to every issue imaginable. The only reason we adhere to certain instances of male headship (husbands, elders) in the first place is because Scripture teaches them. In other words, Scripture is the controlling principle, not some independent commitment to headship as an all-defining framework. We are to be as complementarian as the Scriptures are—and as egalitarian as them, when they are. For those committed to the authority of Scripture, this should not be controversial in the least.

And none of this even begins to address the additional problem of using aggressive and violent language like “penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants” to describe sexual acts, especially in a world of filled with sexual abuse.

Notes:

  1. Doug Wilson, Fidelity: What it Means to be a One-Woman Man (Canon Press, 1999), 86-87. ↩︎
  2. R. C. Sproul, ed., The Reformation Study Bible: English Standard Version (2015 Edition) (Orlando, FL: Reformation Trust, 2015), 2024–2025. ↩︎
  3.  Bruce Winter, “1 Corinthians,” in New Bible Commentary: 21st Century Edition, ed. D. A. Carson et al., 4th ed. (Leicester, England; Downers Grove, IL: Inter-Varsity Press, 1994), 1171. ↩︎

How God Hates Divorce: His Merciful Allowance in a Fallen World

Kirk E. Miller

God hates divorce.

But that does not mean he opposes all divorce.

No, divorce was never God’s original intention for marriage. Divorce was not part of the equation when he created marriage: “from the beginning it was not so,” as Jesus said quoting Gen 2:24 (Matt 19:9).

Nonetheless, on this side of the fall, we find in scripture that, in his mercy, God gives certain allowances for divorce.

My experience as a pastor, counseling people with abusive spouses, helped me better understand God’s hatred of divorce. I’m not saying experience determines our theology or should be used to overrule scripture. But sometimes experience can expand our understanding.

God always hates divorce. But sometimes he hates it because it’s unwarranted, it’s wrong to pursue, he doesn’t allow it (like in Malachi 2:16). In other instances though, God hates divorce because, although he warrants it, he nonetheless hates the sin that made it warranted.

In other words, all divorce involves sin. But not all divorce is sinful.

I’ve seen first hand the negative impact when pastors fail to grasp this. Very practically, they see divorce as a greater evil than the abuse the spouse is enduring. Divorce is never seen as God’s mercy to the abused spouse.

Divorce is never the outcome we want for any marriage. But sometimes it’s God’s mercy in a fallen world—”because of your hardness of heart,” as Jesus says (Matt 19.8).

Marriage is Vanity

Kirk E. Miller

The following was a wedding homily, which I’ve adapted here for written and public format.

“Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.” – Ecclesiastes 9:9

Marriage is vanity.

What do I mean by this?

The Message of Ecclesiastes

The book of Ecclesiastes describes everything in life as vanity. The book’s “preacher” sets out on an exploration to determine what is good for humans to pursue with the short lives we’ve been given (2:3). And after his exhaustive search, he concludes that it’s all vanity. “Vanity of vanities,” says the preacher. “All is vanity” (1:2).

In other words, nothing of ultimate value is to be gained in these things (2:11). He pursues wealth. But it’s not guaranteed; it can be lost. Moreover, it can’t ultimately satisfy anyways (5:10-17). He pursues pleasure. But the need for more never ends (2:1-11). He pursues knowledge and wisdom. But the fate of the wise is the same as the fool (2:12-17). He considers government. Maybe politics is the solution. But what he finds is bureaucracy, corruption, and oppression (Ecc 5:8). Maybe religiosity is the solution. But it leaves him exhausted (7:16). He dives into his work. But in the end, no matter what is gained in this life, it will come to an end when this life does, and amount to absolutely nothing (2:18-23).

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Divorce & Remarriage (with Andy Naselli)

Kirk E. Miller

Jesus taught that divorce “from the beginning … was not so” and that those who divorce commit adultery. Yet he also added, “except for sexual immorality” (Mt 5:31-32; 19:3-9). And Paul says believers are “not bound” if their unbelieving spouse leaves them (1 Cor 7:15). These texts are source of much debate. And yet their implications are extremely pressing and practical for many. What does the Bible have to say about divorce, and if divorce any possibility of remarriage thereafter? New Testament scholar Andy Naselli joins Kirk to discuss these matters.

Access the episode here. (Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and more.)

From Andy Naselli, “What the New Testament Teaches about Divorce and Remarriage.”